hotel room ftw
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
