You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
