I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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