The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
