the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize