There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I haven't been this sober since birth.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
