Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
