HIV tests are more positive than that guy
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
