I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize