So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize