I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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