I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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