I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
