My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Randomize
