So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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