The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
