I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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