he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
