I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
