I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Two words: blizzard sex
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Randomize
