How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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