if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
