WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
