dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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