your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
