I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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