My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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