I wish my penis had an off switch
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
