Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
