yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
