I think scott just propositioned me for sex
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Randomize
