why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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