I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
