We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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