i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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