I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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