my soul wont recognize me after tonight
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
