Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
