We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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