dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
