my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
