In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
