Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
