you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
