It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Acid is not a monday night drug
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
