Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
