thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
