are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
