they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
