Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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