I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We had to coat check the pizza.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
