I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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