So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
